The news that 'Dis Great Asssosheeayshun Of Ours' is to get involved in the building of a €24 million hotel just across the road from Croke Park should not surprise anyone familiar with the history of the GAA, writes An Fear Rua …

After all, hotels have played a major role in the GAA since its foundation. Shure, wasn't the Asssosheeayshun itself founded in the back 'shnug' of Hayes's Hotel in Thurles, in the County of Tipperary in 1884? And, for many a long year, Barry's Hotel in Gardiner Street, in Dublin, was the semi-official meeting place for teams and fans on the morning of an All Ireland final. Barry's, of course, for a long number of years past has been in the safe hands of Fianna Fáil TD and Westmeath GAA stalwart, Donie 'The Wax Museum' Cassidy.

When questioned by AFR, a spokesman for the GAA was reluctant to go into too much detail about the hotel project. However, he admitted that one of the first tourism 'products' they are considering - to use the current Mark Mortell-type marketing jargon - is a GAA Heritage Tour, that will recreate the famous 'Thunder and Lightning' Hurling Final of 1939 - played on the day World War II broke out - and, in the rueful words of the great Jack Lynch, won by Kilkenny 'by the usual point'.

Pressed by AFR, the GAA spokesman gave a brief outline of what will be involved in the Heritage Tour. Participants will be required to leave their home town by the earliest possible train to Dublin, without having any breakfast, but carrying hang 'sangwidges' and flasks of strong 'tay' to be consumed on the train. On arrival at Heuston railway station, at around 8.00 a.m. they will change into big leather boots, long belted overcoats draped over their shoulders, flat peaked caps and will be handed a big hurley. The tour group will then tramp in formation along the North Quays to the pro-Cathedral in Molesworth Street to attend early morning Mass. After a quick 'All Ireland' Mass - all done from start to Final Blessing in fifteen minutes by an understanding priest - the visitors will then march along Molesworth Street, up to Dorset Street and out along the Clonliffe Road to new GAA hotel.

After being fully kitted out, visitors on the GAA Heritage Tour will look a bit like this ...

A few days in advance of each Tour, staff at the hotel will boil and re-boil big vats of cabbage for several days to give the hotel entrance and lobby that authentic 1939 Barry's smell. Waiters and waitresses will be handpicked by officials from the GAA's Press Office - and we mean handpicked. The emphasis will be on fine big strappin' agricultural girls from the remoter parts of Cavan or Leitrim. Many of them will have big thick ankles on them, in deference to the late Brendan Behan's observation that God created Irishwomen with their legs upside down so that Irishmen would not be tempted … They will have to be capable of milkin' up to a hundred cows at a go. The hotel porter will be a small butty type of fellow with a specially greased comb-over hairstyle and a moth eaten military-style cap and jacket.

Naturally, the only sup a' drink available in the Christy Ring Bar will be big, creamy pints of stout - an obvious sponsorship opportunity for some pony-tailed brand manager- or big bottles of red lemonade from Dwans of Thurles. After wetting their whistle according to their taste, the tour group will adjourn to the adjoining Mick O'Connell Dining Room. After Grace Before Meals, recited by Father Aloysius of the Discalced Carmelites, in Clarendon Street, the tour group will be required to tuck away two large platefuls of hairy bacon, cabbage and potatoes, all lashed down by copious pints of the sponsored 'black stuff'. Thus fortified, the happy group will then troop across the bridge linking the hotel to Croker, where they will try to play sixty minutes of fast and furious hurling, while occasionally belching and farting as they reach for the ball or pull across an opponents shins ...

Based on recent market research, GAA Commercial Director, Dermot Power, and the lads in the GAA Press Office believe there will be a huge market for this type of tourism 'product' , especially in counties like Waterford or Laois that haven't been in a real All Ireland final for years... But the idea will not be confined to visitors 'up from the country'. Dublin residents will be catered for too. For them, there will be the 'The Jack Lynch Cycle Tour'. This involves leaving Rathgar on the Southside very early on a Sunday morning and cycling all the way to Parnell Park in Raheny, then playing a tough game of gaelic football - including scoring the winning point - and then, on to the Croker hotel where they join the main party and take part in the scheduled game of hurling on the famous sod.

Fair play to Dermot, Danny, Fergal and the other lads in the Ceannáras, they are thinking up other moneyspinners for the new hotel. For example, negotiations are well under way with the Drumcondra Naturists Association (Cumann Nádúrtha Dhroim Chonrach) who are believed to be interested in signing up for weekly sessions in the hotel pool and sauna. The Association's motto is 'We Just Like to Hang Out Together'. The Association is negotiating with local Drumcondra beautician and famous resident, Ms Celia Larkin, for a free Brazilian wax for its, ahem, members but it thought unlikely that the official launch of their programme in the hotel will be attended by Celia's partner, De Man Dey Call Ahern. However, Association members are not too disappointed about this since they confidently expect to be joined from time to time for a game of nude pool by the Roscommon footballers or for a romp in the jacuzzi by members of the Kerry panel.

All in all, the new hotel looks like being a real addition to the burgeoning facilities at Páirc an Chrócaigh…