It was the most serious incident ever in the history of the Gowlnacalley-John Redmonds GAA club, reports An Fear Rua…

More serious, even, than the time Canon Edward Guiry PP VG found Gertie McDonnell and Ned 'Machine Gun' Stapleton 'celebrating' the 'Junor' camogie team's historic victory in the West Divisional final, at Midnight in the whitethorn hedge at the back of the clubhouse, and he gave both them a few shmacks of his bod dubh across their bare backsides.

Ah no. This will be raised by way of motions from the floor at the next club AGM and will be the subject of jeering and sneering comment in the back 'shnug' of MA 'Ma' Molloy's famous drinking emporium on Main Street, whenever the club's flyboys and 'go-be-the-walls' are gathered to consume their customary 'learghe' bottles a' Phoenix ale with a 'chaser' of barley wine.

After all, what happened cannot be tolerated in a civilised society, because it attacks the very roots of the gaelic and national culture of 'Dis Great Assoooosheeayshun of Ours'. There were young children present and a few old ladies - like the twin sisters Bennie and Chrissie Mangan from the Medical Hall - who were reported to have passed out and had to be revived by imbibing successive tinctures of Hennessy's brandy. In fact, Miss Chrissie herself became quite tipsy and started to amorously fondle the blushing young lad from the Knights of Malta who was only trying to help her and do his duty.

It had started like any other social night at Gowlnacalley John Redmonds. There was the usual céilí band hammering away on accordeons and an upright piano, an oul fella meandering his way through a few Come-all-Ye songs and a little lad of around ten doing some patriotic 'recimitations'. Just after the start of the second half of the show, all the lights in the hall were dimmed and some fairly lively rock music started coming through the loudspeakers.

Next minute, a tall, blondey young wan appears on the stage clad in what looked like nothing more than one of those famous Louise Kennedy-designed Tipp jerseys from a few years back. Now, Louise is a daughter of a famous All Ireland medal winner for Tipp, Paddy Kennedy of Portroe, and is well able to fill a geansaí herself, but even she'd only be in the ha'penny place with the young lassie on the stage at Gowlnacalley. One of her ample breasts jutted out under the crest with the Rock of Cashel on it, while the other amply supported the GAA logo on her right hand side and - in between - the O'Neills logo nestled snugly in a valley deeper than the famed Valley of Slievenamon.

As she danced across the stage, she had more than a little difficulty in managing the Tipp jersey. If she leaned one way, she had to give it a mighty tug to cover her backside (a feat familiar to many's the GAA offeeeshal anyway) but as soon as she moved the other way, she had to pull it down to cover her front, thus leaving her backside exposed. This tug of love, so to speak, went on for a few minutes, while Dan Fortune, the hall caretaker, who was in charge of the evening, looked on from the side of the stage with his jaw almost touching his knees.

Almost immediately, you could hear the rising murmur in the hall. This reached a crescendo however, moments later, when a redhead and a brunette appeared on stage, clad only in Clare and Limerick jerseys, and began a class of gyration with a hurley that has never been seen before nor since on any hurling field. Just then, the doors of the clubhouse were burst open and in rushed Sergeant Fennessy, Guard Mullarkey and a puffing, red-faced Canon Edward Guiry PP VG waving his bod dubh at everyone in sight - men, women and children.

The Sergeant grabbed the club Chairman, Alphonsus 'Phonsie' McNamara, by the scruff of the neck and began frog marching him towards the exit, with the same 'Phonsie' protesting loudly. Just as they reached the door, 'Phonsie's' bulging eyes lit on the hapless Dan Fortune cowering out of his way.

'Well, ya feckin' eejit!', Phonsie roars at him. 'T'was a few tap dancers I towld ya to get for the Scór!!!'


T'was modest dancers like these Dan was supposed to book for the GAA club's social night

More about Gowlnacalley, the famous club and some of the interesting characters there:
Gowlnacalley
Ned "Machine Gun" Stapleton
Dan Fortune
Gowlnacalley-John Redmonds
Canon Edward Guiry PP VG
M A "Ma" Molloy
An Bod Dubh
Gertie McDonnelly