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Content Zone
Fri 31-Jul-2009 12:22
More from this writer..
The Squinting Eye
A most unusual Referee
By
Norman Freeman
Soon Performing at a Venue Near You.
The MC coughs into the microphone. He calls for silence among the crowded drinkers sitting round tables glittering with cluttered glasses.
‘Will you please put your hands together for Martin the Referee.’
First comes the sound of a referee’s whistle from behind the stage. Then this middle-aged fellow, hair dyed black as a raven’s wing, appears and saunters on stage. He is dressed in the referee’s garb of black shirt and shorts. He makes his way towards the high stool in the centre.
‘When you’re a referee you get used to people yelling at you ‘Should have gone to Specsavers.’ I don’t take a blind bit of notice of them.’ Then he appears to be groping about for the stool and goes to sit on it but misses and falls on his backside.
He has a remarkable facility to be able to waggle each ear separately. He uses this special talent to illustrate how volleys of abuse fired at him during and after games go in one ear and out the other.
‘A ref’s job isn’t easy. There’s a lot of stress. The other Sunday a girl from RTÉ television interviewed me on that very point.
‘After all the strain of a tough match do you do anything to relax?’
‘Oh I do indeed. But I’m not going to talk about it in public.’’
His eyes swivel meaningfully. There is an amused titter from the audience.
The secret of this fellow’s success seems to be that he is totally relaxed as he performs. The audience feels relaxed as well. He never strives to be funny. He speaks slowly in a low-key way and only the glimmer of a smile ever appears on his face.
He tells amusing anecdotes about linesmen and umpires. He knows how to use his notebook and whistle as props.
He holds up the referee’s whistle. ‘After matches some angry fools come up to me and say ‘You know where you can stick your whistle?’
With that he leans forward and gives the impression that he is inserting the whistle up his bum. He then holds up both hands, palms outwards, in the manner of a conjurer. Next thing he opens his mouth wide and uses his tongue to thrust out the whistle.
‘By the way, it’s much more hygienic to do it the other way,’ he says, putting the whistle back into his mouth. He pretends to swallow it, then presses his stomach with rigid, flattened fingers as if to help the whistle through his digestive system.
Then he opens his mouth wide. His chest heaves as he fills his lungs with air. He shuts his mouth tight. He clamps his two hands to his mouth as if to prevent any air escaping. Of course, he turns sideways, to hide part of his face, so that the audience don’t see him blowing the whistle from a corner of his mouth. They have the impression that he has blown the whistle through his back passage and they roar laughing.
The audience claps when he reaches behind, pretends to extract the whistle from his rear end and waves it about.
To some this may seem tasteless. However he is able to carry it off with a certain amount of style and even finesse.
You have to hand it to this fellow. He was sacked as a referee because he has an enlarged ego. He was far too fond of blowing the whistle at matches. He alienated players and officials by strutting about in a self-important way.
‘He’s not suited to be a ref at all,’ said the chairman of the county board. ‘It’s in show-business he should be.’
That’s exactly what Martin did. He worked hard to develop material for his act. He soon began to make a name for himself as a stand-up comedian in GAA clubs and pubs.
His performance deals with some of the public misperceptions about refereeing.
‘People have come up to me, ‘Come on now Martin – tell us the truth - were you ever offered some class of a bribe to favour one side in a game?’’
To illustrate this, he tells of an occasion when, just as he was leaving the dressing room to go out onto the field, an attractive woman approached him. She was wearing a rosette of her team colours, pinned at the side of her deep, revealing cleavage.
‘Could I have a word with you in private?’ she asked.
‘I’m in a hurry. What is it?’
‘You know in games where there’s a 50/50 clash and a free can go either way?’
‘Yes I do. What are you getting at?’
‘You’d be doing me a big favour if you could just be a little partial to our side’
He was outraged. ‘The cheek of you, how dare you…’
She held up her hand and said, ‘Hold on, hold on. Don’t get annoyed.’ With that she took from her handbag a fat purse. When she opened it he could see it was stuffed with notes.
‘Now you listen here – if you think I can be bribed with money..’
‘We’re not talking about money,’ she said. From among the notes she extracted a key and held it up.
‘What’s that?’
‘That’s the key to my room in the hotel down the road. I’ll be there when the match is over.’
Martin the Referee finishes this story with a small, sly grin. ‘Funny thing – her side won the match with a last minute free, a controversial free that could have gone either way.’
He’s good on
an feadóg stain
(tin whistle) and finishes his act by playing some tune that has the word ‘whistle’ in it. One is Elvis Presley’s
A Whistling Tune.
Another is from the musical The King and I -
I Whistle A Happy Tune.
His favourite, however, is the Percy French piece,
Whistling Phil McHugh.
Word has got round that he is beating his brains out composing a comic song to be called
The Whistling Referee.
He will use it as his signature tune. He is seeking inspiration through studying the clever songs and the witty, stylish lyrics associated with Cole Porter and the team of Rodgers and Hart.
Watch out for him!
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