He’s been muttering under his breath all through the days since he heard the good news, pausing only to rub his gnarled hands together gleefully, according to The Girls In The Back Office, writes An Fear Rua …

Occasionally they hear him say, more to himself than to anyone else, ‘That Peter Quinn is a genius. Shure, doesn’t he run all dem big ‘cimint’ lorries and do all the car insurance. Aye! A sound businessman after me own heart!’. One or two of The Girls even claim the pictures of Dev and Pope Pius XII that had adorned the board room walls have been replaced by photos of the same Peter Quinn and Seán McCague. Every now and again, he sneaks out to the big warehouse at the back of the premises in Walkinstown, on the edge of Dublin city, and eagerly counts and re-counts the row upon row of neatly pressed jerseys stacked high. Occasionally, as he reaches the end of a row, he licks his lips nervously, punches a few digits into the pocket calculator with his bony fingers and utters a fiendish cackle of delight.

‘Let me see now … let me see … That’s two new counties … at, let us say, fifty thousand fans purchasing per county … so, that’s a hundred thousand fans …now, let’s say, an average selling price of €35 per jersey … and all that adds up to – yessirrree!! - €3,500,000!!!. Of course, we’ll have to write off the cost of the old jerseys, but sure we’ve been running down stocks of them anyway, so that’ll still leave us with well over three million for the new ones…’

Ah yes, indeedy. Ever since Peter Quinn’s Strategic Review Group reported, the ‘meeja’, fans and officials have been focussing on the sporting aspects of the proposal to split Dublin into two senior footballing counties. What everyone has missed so far, however, is the potential bonanza it involves for the jersey manufacturer supreme, Oul Mister O’Neill Himself. After all, we must assume the two teams will not continue to tog out in the familiar navy-and-light blue (unless someone tosses a coin and lets it decide whether North Dublin or South Dublin hangs on to the existing colours). Maybe a deal could be struck that would give one ‘county’ the existing colours and let the other revert to the traditional light blue-and-white, proudly worn by Dub teams up to the days of Heffo’s Army. And even if – a mostly unlikely event – one of the ‘counties’ is allowed retain the existing colours, Oul Mr O’Neill Himself is still on a financial bonanza, because the fans of the other ‘county’ will have to replace their jersies with the new ones.

Of course, other practical problems will arise if this hare-brained proposal goes through. One commercial loser will be Arnotts who presumably will have to choose which of the new counties they will sponsor, unless they agree to split the sponsorship money on a North/South basis? The fact that Arnotts’ main retail outlet is in Henry Street might suggest their first option would be to sponsor the North Dublin side. If that happens, who will sponsor South Dublin? Gillian Bowler and Budget Travel?

For another example, how will Molly Malone’s ample favours be allocated between the two ‘counties’? Her rather dubious reputation as something more than just a seller of fruit and flowers would suggest that Molly will go to the bidder with the most money. What happens to the existing twenty-two All Ireland senior titles won by a united Dublin in the past? Will these have to be re-allocated over the new entities, possibly based on laboriously tracing the Northside or Southside ancestry of each of the winning teams? How will fans cheer for the new teams? Somehow or other ‘Come on the North Dubs!’ or ‘Up South Dublin’ don’t trip off the tongue so easily. Imagine the confusion if the two sides play each other.

Dublin Corporation, of course, are faced with a bit of a dilemma following the fans’ successful campaign to get them to ‘Fly The Flag’ on the increasingly rare occasions the Dubs are involved in a big final. In future, will they ‘fly the flag’ only on the north side of the Liffey for ‘North Dublin’ and on the south side for ‘South Dublin’? And what of Oul Super Dub Himself, Bertie, De Man Dey Call Ahern? How will he allocate his loyalties, without jeopardising a whole rake of of Feenya Faw-wel seats on the Southside?

Already, however, the proposal is giving Oul Mr O’Neill something more to mull over in the long hours wandering around his warehouse. What if more counties were to be split? After all, in local government, we already have Tipperary North Riding and South Riding. Why not make them into two ‘counties’? And what of Fingal and Dún Laoghaire/Rathdown? Are they to be denied their own version of The Dubs?. The GAA in many counties already has Eastern, Western, Northern or Southern boards or divisions. Why not go the whole hog and turn them into counties as well? If Peter Quinn and the lads were to follow Oul Mr O’Neill’s suggestion, there could be as many as ten or twelve new ‘counties’ in the near future, and even more later on, with all of them requiring new ‘county’ colours. Why, there could be the best part of €10,000,000 to be spent by misfortunate fans on new jersies!

Of course, a lot would depend on young Dónal O’Neill, Dessie and the GPA lads not going ahead with their threat to refer Oul Mr O’Neill’s virtual monopoly on the supply of county jerseys to the Competition Directorate-General of the European Union. If the GPA were to win that one – and the EU seems to have a soft spot for sports people (remember the EU ruling in the Bosman case, about soccer players transfers?) – that would knock a fair old hole in Mr. O’Neill’s ambitions. Some of AFR’s young ‘legal eagle’ friends (not notJoe Brolly … definitely notJoe!) tell him there would seem to be a good prima facie (how about that for lawyer-speak?) case that O’Neills and the GAA could be involved in an ‘abuse of dominant position’ under EU competition law.

Ah well. It couldn’t happen to a nicer man than Oul Mr. O’Neill Himself …

Related Topics:
Oul Mr O’Neill and his Eclectic Approach to GAA jerseys!
Real Jerseys or O’Neills’ Jerseys ?
O"Neills" 31 County Republic

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