Young Gavin O'Reilly, the hardy Mick Roche and some of the other macho managers at Dr O'Reilly's Middle Abbey Street Organ were more than a little perturbed lately when news came through from Dundalk that there had been a 'run' on the sales of the 'Dundalk Argus' newspaper, reports An Fear Rua... Gavin and the lads have more than a passing interest in media trends in County Louth, it must be said, since Gavin's Daddy owns the rival 'Dundalk Democrat', the 'Draaaawhedda Independent' and a few other 'give away' newspapers in the area. (The 'Independent', by the way, is edited by AFR's oul pal, Paul Murphy, a skilled journalist to his fingertips, if ever there was one). So, a sell-out by their main rival in the 'Wee County' wouldn't bode well for Dr O'Reilly's share price or, indeed, for Young Gavin's and Mick's Christmas bonuses.

An urgent message was despatched from the Executive Wash Room in Middle Abbey Street to Frank Mulrennan, formerly the 'Indo's' Business Editor, but now the urbane and unflappable Managing Director of Independent's newspaper interests in the 'Wee County' to ask him to report back on what was happening on the ground. Frank immediately ducked out of the office, heavily disguised, to local newsagents and - in a muffled voice - bought a copy of the 'Dundalk Argus'.

With pounding heart, Frank flicked across the pages of the newspaper but could find nothing that would spark a huge surge in sales until his eyes fell - in all places - on the GAA pages! AFR hasn't seen it with his own eyes yet, but his correspondents in County Louth tell him the 'Argus' contains a magnificent photograph of what might be termed a 'member' of a local Gaelic football club. In other words, a player with his (ahem!) manhood on display for all to gaze at and wonder. So far, there is no further word from Dundalk as to whether the action on display will put an end to the perennial debate about the need for a proper tackle in Gaelic football.

Apparently, as word spread along the Dún Dealgain grapevine, the women of the town were making a beeline for their local newsagents to snap up copies of an 'Argus' edition that was rapidly becoming a collector's item. Now, AFR knows the women of Dundalk well enough to assert that most of them have no need to resort to newspaper pictures to familiarise themselves with items of this nature. More likely, they more interested in evaluating the said player's tackle, possibly with a view to deciding whether or not it was worth their while chatting him up if they bumped into him, so to speak, in one of the local night clubs. After seeing the picture, one Dundalk lady was reported to have said she now had an idea why the county had been dubbed 'The Wee' county. Another local wag commented that it seemed there was no length some newspapers were prepared to go to get a rise in their circulation. Local Gardaí, long accustomed to searching for concealed weapons in the border town and its vicinity, were at least relieved that this particular one was out in the open.

Dún Dealgain, of course, was the birthplace of Setanta - the original Bould DJ Carey - and he was the son of the King of Dundalk. It is reported in the Annals that the ancient Gaels stripped completely to the buff when playing the manly game of hurling and it may well be that Setanta's famous poc fada all the way to Armagh was performed in the nip. So, our Dundalk friend was merely partially reverting to an ancient Gaelic tradition. However, no matter how appealing it might for fans of camogie, AFR does not foresee a motion favouring a full return to the old Gaelic ways ever succeeding at Congress in his lifetime. Can you imagine sloshing around in your pelt, say, in a muddy O'Moore Park in Port Laoise on a dark and November day, with a chill gale from the Slieve Bloom mountains swirling around your nether regions ? It would certainly give a new meaning to the term 'back door' in hurling.

Even today, most hurlers and Gaelic footballers seem to be content to take their chances on the field of play by simple wearing a pair of shorts with nothing else on underneath. This in stark contrast to other sports like cricket, rugby and American football, where there is no end of padding and other protective gear worn. Is this because our Gaelic manhood is made of sterner stuff than the namby-pambies who play those foreign games ? In recent years, however, the practice of wearing a pair of Lycra or nylon cycling shorts has crept in and some players have even made the attempt to match their colour with the basic colour of their jersey. The Galway football goalkeeper, Martin McNamara, was one of the first to be spotted wearing a fetching Lycra pants in white, under his shorts, to match his white goalie's shirt. Someone mentioned that with a back end like his, Martin could do with the bit of extra support and - with Donnellan, Walsh, Joyce and the other lads keeping so much of the play up at the other end - you could get very 'could' standing between the Galway posts.

Of course, we may not have heard the end of this episode yet... Will the pressure now be on Gavin, Frank and the lads to compete with the new, adventurous 'Argus' ? God knows what we may see on the pages of next week's edition of the 'Dundalk Democrat' (an oxymoron, if ever there was one!). It all reminds An Fear Rua of another tale about 'De Cork Examiner' newspaper, during a more sheltered era in Ireland. Apparently, the agricultural pages of that newspaper once carried a picture of a prize-winning Aberdeen Angus bull from the local Cork Agricultural Show, held annually out in Ballintemple. Anyway, a pious sub-editor on the 'Examiner' - probably in order not to offend the sensibilities of their Montenotte and Sunday's Well readers as they perused 'De Paper' over toast and marmalade - decided to excise the bull's tackle from the picture. Later that morning, an enraged breeder of the bull contacted one of the Crosbie family, who own 'De Paper', to vehemently remonstrate with him about the absence of the animal's paraphernalia and the damage this would do to his breeding business.

The upshot was that the owner successfully sued 'The Examiner' for slandering the bull's virility and got IR£3,000 in damages. A true case of an 'Examiner and Bull' story...