Beep, Beep, Beep, “Oh God! ” My feckin' alarm goes off. I roll over trying to avoid the dribble on my pillow, close my eyes and listen to the Today FM sports news, recalls An Fear Rua ...

As usual recently, there is some mention of the GAA and politics whether it is about opening Croke Park to ‘foreign’ sports or the other favorite - the payment of players. After nearly frightening the life out of myself by looking in the mirror, I begin my ritual preparation for the day, teeth, hair, suit…. Where are my keys?! Ten minutes later, after a frantic search, I find watch, keys and wallet hiding under a bit of paper. Written on the top, no I should rephrase, scribbled on the top, is the heading “Political Football!”.

I have one of those 'night before' recalls. Ah yes, in a state of inebriation in Ma Molloy's famous drinking emporium, and after yet another row about the GAA and politics myself and a few of the lads and lassies from the Gowlnacalley-John Redmonds club had picked our fantasy political football team. The only criteria for this selection were that the players had to be modern political figures. So here goes …

Goalkeeper is always a difficult position, but especially in politics these days it seems nobody can keep a secret. So for goals we had to look outside the box (pardon the pun) and we selected his lordship Archbishop Diarmuid Martin of Dublin. After many years serving in the Vatican, the Archbishop has made a career of not letting anything past him. His ability to cover any problem from every angle saw him get the nod for goals.

At fullback we needed someone strong and reliable, cool under pressure and with two shovels for hands. Because of these requirements we have gone for the Tánaiste, Mary Harney. Mary, we believe, while lacking in height has a rock solid center of gravity and an ability to meet all problems head on, literally in some cases. Cornerbacks we agreed are like good children, they should be seen and not heard. A complete cornerback should make everything look simple but should have a tigerish approach to the job. Mary’s party colleague Michael McDowell gets in at number 2, while the Greens Trevor Sargent retains the number 4 shirt.

Now we come to the first part of the diamond, center back. There was never any doubt of what name would be jotted down. Biffo Cowen gets in. He’s big, he’s hairy, he looks bloody ignorant and, most importantly, he scares the bloody shite out of the opposition. Biffo is also our vice-captain, as certain older members of the club believe he has what it takes to make a great leader. (Sooner rather then later maybe, but the next AGM should be interesting.) At wingback I fancy Noel Dempsey. While he is not always economical with the ball, he does have good distribution and plays the game with a certain swagger. The other wingback spot goes to Liz McManus, simply because she has been Biffo’s reliable understudy for so long and always look well in a jersey and shorts, although many believe Maurice Fitzgerald has a better pair of legs.

Round the middle, we felt we needed consistency along with a good engine. Cork’s Mícheál Martin is the ideal man - a crowd favourite. His tireless displays see him fill one of the midfield spots. His partner round the middle has got to be Pat Rabbitte. Although this is a new position for Rabbitte we feel that since he has come in from the left that he should be able to hold things together in the middle

The half-forward line is dominated by SF members with the Kerryman Ferris in the centre aided by his Cavan and Louth TD's, Ó Caoláin and Morgan - though Ó Caoláin's pace is suspect and Morgan has been known to give too much lip to referees. This line has the potential to really shake up the opposition. Unfortunately they have been known to resort to foul play to get their message across. However, they are still popular with some of the younger fans and while the jury is still out - mostly in the Special Criminal Court - we are going to put them in.

The inside line was where the real craic started during selection, perhaps it was the beer but we would dearly have loved to have coaxed CJ out of retirement for number 14. Not to worry his successor Bertie Em. Ahern gets in. Bertie has a real talent for getting the results. Even when the game isn’t going his way he somehow seems to be able to pull off the killer score when it counts. In one of the corners we have chosen none other than Mr. Liam Lawlor. His ability to link up with members of his team without being caught in possession is his strongest attribute however there are some concerns that he won't always be available for some games. In the other corner, another Kerryman, Jackie Healy Rae - mainly due to his Kerry heritage and his ability despite his appearance to be quite a menacing character.

So that’s it folks, Political Football at its best. Or maybe you'd like to chance your own selection?