A classic from AFR's Archives...

Many decent GAA followers throughout the country are in grave danger of having their 'mollycewels' severely interfered with, because of a decision made some years ago by the then Ard Stiúrthóir,Liam Ó Maoilmhichíl, and the bright lads and lassies up in Ceannárus, writes An Fear Rua...

The GAA have told clubs throughout the length and breadth of the country that - free of charge - they could remove from Páirc an Chrócaigh the old wooden benches that once passed for 'seats' on the now-demolished Hogan Stand. The enterprising Croagh/Kilfinny club, in County Limerick, sent a truck up to collect four hundred seats installed them in a new covered stand they built. Being West Limerick people - not too far from the home ground of that great European statesman, Gerard Collins - the club were cute enough to re-name their ground 'Páirc an Chrócaigh'. The club secretary, a man called Charles Hanley, said 'there was a great buzz about the place when the seats arrived …'. I suppose twouldn't take much to cause a buzz in parts of West Limerick, thinks An Fear Rua. However, Charles drew the line at changing his own name as well to, say, Liam Ó Maoilmhichíl, in order to complete the transformation.

This, of course, is not the only 'Hogan Stand' connection with Limerick, recalls AFR. The previous Hogan Stand was demolished in the late Fifties and was bought by Limerick County Board of the GAA. It was re-built at the famed Ennis Road grounds and saw service for ten years before being scrapped again and replaced by the current Mackey Stand.

Around the same time, while his trusty Ford Cortina Mark III was stopped in traffic on Dublin's North Quays, another car drew up beside him and - with his own eyes - An Fear Rua saw a man with two green bench seats in the back of the car, numbered 1441 and 1442. Stranger still, one of AFR's correspondents in County Kildare told him that a staunch Clare man, living in that area, got one of the seats as well, repainted it and has turned it into a garden feature ! In years to come, I suppose, it could be a good way to while away a Summer's evening, sitting on the seat, and bringing to mind the many great Clare hurling displays seen in Croke Park.

Of course, why stop at giving clubs and followers just the old seats from the Hogan Stand, asks An Fear Rua. Surely, there are many other useful artefacts from under the old stand that could be offered by the GAA ? There must be a GAA club somewhere in the thirty-two counties of Ireland that could find a use for the Gents urinals, for example ? Mightn't they make a useful type of feeding trough or some such for mountainy sheep farmers in places like Kerry and Mayo or an unusual setting for flower beds outside the local convent? Surely, the plush seats from the former Ard Chomhairle Box would make ideal furniture for one of those new-fangled lounge bars somewhere down the country? In fact, the publican could really cash in and re-name the bar 'Bosca na hArd Chomhairle'.

Other 'units of the Association' could get in on the act as well. The Connacht Council had their toilet facilities condemned as a health hazard a few years ago and had to install special facilities in Tuam stadium in advance of a visit by Pent McAleese to see the Connacht Football final. Imagine the frisson of excitement for a true GAA follower from sitting on the very toilet bowl used by President Mary McAleese on the occasion of her visit to the 1999 Connacht Senior Football final ?

There is a more serious issue, however. Clearly, many of the people getting these re-cycled seats from Croke Park may not be familiar with Sergeant Fottrell's 'Atomic Theory' as outlined by the great Irish comic writer, Flann O'Brien, in his entertaining novel 'The Third Policeman'...

According to the Sergeant, everything is composed of small particles of itself and 'they are flying around in concentric circles and arcs and segments and innumerable other geometrical figures too numerous to mention collectively, never standing still or resting but spinning hither and thither and back again, all the time on the go. These diminutive gentlemen are called atoms …' As the Sergeant pointed out: 'the gross and net result of this is that people who spend most of their natural lives riding iron bicycles over the rocky roads of this parish get their personalities mixed up with the personalities of the bicycle as a result of the interchanging of the atoms of each of them. You would be surprised at the number of people in these parts who nearly are half people and half bicycles... '

So, if we apply Sergeant Fottrell's Atomic Theory to the Hogan Stand seats, we could see some interesting developments over the next few months…. A man who regularly sips a contemplative pint and 'chaser' every night in a corner of your local pub, suddenly sprouts long, flowing, wavy grey locks of hair, with a big tummy bouncing off the counter, and starts barking his orders at the misfortunate bar attendant in a very loud voice. After a while, you hear the word that the poor fella got 'wan a' dem Hogan Stand seats' that was once sat upon by the Cavan All Ireland medal winner and former Fianna Fáil Tánaiste, the late John Wilson.

One Sunday morning, during early Mass, your Parish Priest starts mincing around the altar and begins preaching in a simpering, coquettish voice. After a while, the shilling drops (though not into the collection box !). Didn't himself get one of the old Croke Park seats for the presbytery and it must have been one that was sat upon by Mary O'Rourke TD, the former Minister for Public Enterprise at the 1995 Football Final ! And God help any poor 'divil' who takes away a seat that was once graced by the posterior of former European Commissioner, Padraig Flynn. The risks to unsuspecting GAA punters are enormous, and must be pointed out, remarks An Fear Rua.

But if these seats could only speak, think of the many wonderful memories they could tell. The first All Ireland winning Captain to climb the steps of the old Hogan to receive the Liam McCarthy cup was that stylish Waterford midfielder, Frankie Walsh. That was after his county's replay defeat of neighbours Kilkenny, in a game reckoned by many aficionados to be one of the 'top ten' hurling finals played at the venue. Dublin's last appearance in a senior hurling All Ireland in 1961, Eddie Keher's fourteen points bravado display in the final of 1963 the great Wexford victory of 1996, the stylish Offaly wins … and in football, the many dazzling displays by the Master himself, Kerry's Mick O'Connell... Down's first Sam Maguire played before the biggest crowd ever … Offaly, in 1982 depriving Kerry of the four-in-a-row and not to mention the many fine Meath displays orchestrated by the Dunboyne footballing alchemist, Boylan.

Still, enough of the memories and nostalgia for now. It's time for An Fear Rua to hoist his molecules up on the old 'High Nelly' and head for the back 'shnug' of Ma Molloy's famous drinking emporium, on the Main Street of Gowlnacalley…. Who knows, some of the wide boys from the club may have got their hands on a few Ard Chomhairle seats and installed them...


Sergeant Fottrell keeps a wary eye on a couple of Wexford lads on their way to Jones's Road for the 1914 football final...