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Wed 21-Dec-2005 23:43
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Episode 21: Stop the Funeral! I Want Me ‘Supermac’!
With the dead body of Seán ‘Broc’ Brosnan secretly on its way to the State Funerals in Dublin, frantic phone calls are being made from the Brosnan household as to the whereabouts of the remains...
“Hello is that Father Funeral?”
“Mary Brosnan here Father, I’m sorry for waking you at this early hour but its Seán. His body’s gone! I’ve just been down to the waking room, Father, and there was the body in the bed an’ it gone! Gone!”
“What! His body’s gone? And what about the coffin?”
“It’s gone too father I don’t know what to do. It couldn’t be that Harry Potter cult crowd could it Father?”
“Calm down Mary. I’ll be over as soon as I can...”
* * * * * * * *
Meanwhile on the road to Dublin the Hiace is pulled over in Kinnegad and the boys making plans…
“Right lads! This is going to be a difficult operation. We need to plan it well.”
“Grand Anchor! Give us a can of d’oul Bulmer's there will-ya like a good man” says PJ
“OK. So what’s the plan?” says Murty.
“Firstly we hit the yard of Massey’s.”
“A Massey tractor?”
“Why not a John Deere, I prefer them?”
“No, ye fool, I mean Massey’s the undertakers! We break in and borrow a hearse, put Sean’s coffin in the back and nip over to the Pro-Cathedral. There the ten hearses will park, we get in before them and switch Sean’s coffin with the coffin of the lad who’s to be being buried below in Limerick… .”
“How do we know its that coffin?”
“It will have his name on it”.
“Right so. Any more Bulmer's?”
“Got that? Are ye still with me?”
“ So we put that coffin in the hearse drive back to the Hiace and then put the coffin in the van.”
“Which coffin, is it Sean’s?”
“No the other one, the one we switch it with. So we bring the hearse back to Massey’s and head off for a bit of lunch. Are ye right with that so far lads?”
“Now comes the hard part, getting Sean’s coffin back after the funeral.”
“How’ll we do that?”
“Now the hearse will be heading back to Limerick, so we’ll need to set up an ambush on the way back. I’d say that around Port Laoise would be the best spot. Any ideas?”
* * * * * * * *
Meanwhile, back in Knockmult, Father Funeral is on to Gerry Gunning over the missing body…
“Gerry, Father Funeral here.”
“Ah, good morning to ye Father, Who’s died now, God help us?”
“Nobody! It’s Seán Brosnan… The coffin is after going missing from the house.”
* * * * *
Around the same, beyond in Kinnegad…
“Now, so we’re agreed. Now are you sure that they’ll be stopping in Supermacs for a bit of a feed?”
“Yeah, hearse drivers are mad for Supermacs, it’s a well known fact. My cousin drives a hearse for some crowd in Ballinasloe and he stops for a snack box every time he passes the place. He says that there’s some kind of karma between the two.”
“OK, so we’ll wait in Supermacs’ car park and switch the coffins when they are in having the feed.”
“Are you sure that’s there’s no drive thru' in Supermacs in Port Laoise?”
“Positive, almost 100% sure.”
“OK lads, let’s organize our roles in the whole operation then.”
“Go for it! By the way is there any more Bulmer's there?”
“PJ you be ‘Mr. Pink’.”
“Mr. Pink! I was Mr. Pink last time for Mary Gaffney’s coffin and the time before that for Gerry Conroy’s coffin too! I want to be Mr. Black.”
“You’re ‘Mr. Pink’ and that’s that.”
“Murty you’re ‘Mr. Blue’ again.”
“OK. ‘Mr. Blue’ I am so.”
“And I’m ‘Mr. White’”, says Anchor
“Let's get to work !”
* * * * * * * *
“Father I think I know where the coffin might be.”
“Where Gerry, where?”
“Well I don’t know where, but I think I know who.”
“Oh Mother of Jesus, The Funerals Father! The Funerals!!”
“Oh Mother of Sweet Divine Jesus!!”
“We have to stop them! Get the car Father. We’re off to Dublin.”
“But what about the Eleven o’clock Mass?”
“Eleven Mass can wait Father, we’ve bigger fish to fry!!”
* * * * * * * *
In another exciting episode … Will Gerry and Father Funeral catch up with the lads before the funerals? …If they don’t, will the hearse stop in Supermacs in Kinnegad?… The ‘Funeral Supplement’ Fifth Anniversary Quiz is coming … Oh, and the Redemptorist Missions, what are they up to?
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