From now on, possibly the most important person in the world of the GAA may no longer be a county’s All Star player … or their All Ireland-winning manager … no, nor that decent Kerryman Seán Kelly, nor even An tArd Stiúrthóir Himself, Liam Ó Maoilmhichíl, writes An Fear Rua …

No, indeed. The day of the player and manager is gone, and The Day of the Groundsman has arrived. No wonder the GAA recently advertised for a Senior Groundsman to manage pitch maintenance and presentation at Croke Park The job ‘spec’ says the successful candidate will have at least five years professional stadium experience including exposure to modern pitch construction. Sure, with all the marvellous new technology installed in the new pitch at Croker – temperature control, rapid pitch drainage and so on – the new Senior Groundsman could have the winning of future All Irelands at his (or her – after all, Páirc an Chrócaigh Teo is an equal opportunities employer) fingertips.

For example, the new drainage system is designed to cope with up to three hundred millimetres of rain per hour, almost ten times the maximum rainfall in Ireland. Underneath the pitch, there will be literally thousands of metres of piping to both drain and warm the surface. The air drying system is activated by a major fan (maybe the fella from Cork with the big sombrero or the Offaly lad with the big Green-White-and-Yellow Guinness hat?) located under what is now to be called the ‘South’ Stand. (Have the GAA surreptitiously replaced poor old Michael Cusack with a stand in memory of Seán South of Garryowen?). To ensure the sod stays firm there is a mesh of polypropylene string stitched within the surface at intervals of nineteen metres (a total of a one hundred thousand kilometres of string – enough to encircle the world two-and-a-half times!) and, of course, great care has been taken to get the optimum blend of grass seed, soil and sand for the playing surface.

But if the drainage of the pitch can be humanly controlled and if the dryness of the sod is also controllable couldn’t all this lead to manipulation of all this new-fangled technology to vary the Croke Park surface to favour one county over another? For example, those fleetfooted Galway hurling forwards of a couple years back, would they not be favoured by a very dry, light surface? On the other hand, what of Offaly or Wexford hurlers, who seem to prefer a fair bit of ‘give’ in the soil? It could also lead to bitter clashes between hurling men and followers of ‘the big ball’ game. What if two Munster teams are playing Qualifiers in hurling one weekend, followed by, say, two Connacht teams in football the next weekend. One crowd will want the pitch shaved and blow-dried to within an inch of its life, while the others will be demanding ankle high grass, complete with daisies and buttercups and a few big puddles in the goalmouth thrown in.

The implications of all this are enormous for the future of Gaelic games. Will we have now have Managers or County Board officers ringing up Croke Park in the week before a big game demanding that the suction fans be turned on all night to dry up their surface to suit their light, young team? Or will other counties – after a few weeks of heavy rain – ring up to insist that all the drainage systems be switched off to ensure a suitably ‘heavy’ sod for their ageing, more experienced stalwarts? Up to now these issues have been decided randomly by an act of God - following consultation, of course, with Frank The Comb Over Murphy. Who only thinks he’s God! But now they will be decided by mere mortals on the Grounds Staff of Croke Park. I don’t know about you, but ‘tis not a responsibility An Fear Rua would take on too lightly, even for a big Croke Park salary.

Will the encyclopaedia of GAA complaints and excuses have to be expanded to cope with this new situation? ‘Ah sure how could any team play football / hurling / camogie (delete as appropriate) on that surface? …. Sure, ‘twas too dry / wet / hard / soft’(delete as appropriate). Then, of course, there will be the rumours: ‘Sure how could our team do themselves justice, wasn’t there a Cavan / Limerick /Antrim man (take your pick) in charge of the sod on the day. Sure what would you expect?’ Or will some misfortunate Manager facing into his first big game in Croker find himself being approached in a pub by some fella claiming: ‘I know a chap from me own county on the Grounds Staff above in Croker … Now, a few bob to the right man and I can get the surface exactly the way your lads like it …’ Maybe, if it’s not too late, the GAA would be wise to stipulate that all Grounds Staff should by non-Irish nationals, to avoid allegations that the sod was being ‘tweaked’ to favour one county over another.

Anyway, if you’ve ever mowed the grass or painted the lines in your club, why not jump at a chance to give your county a permanent inside track on championship victories in Croke Park? Send your CV now to Páirc an Chrócaigh Teoranta, Baile Átha Cliath 3. If you tell them An Fear Rua recommended you, at least they won’t tell you to ‘Sod off!’ ….


Guy on the Left: 'After we've finished the score board, we'll start laying the new pitch'... Guy on the Right: 'Yeah, but I don't think we have enough polypropylene twine...'